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Age, Determination, Mortality
I wonder sometimes if aging is ever graceful...I'm beginning to think not. I've been gone from here for a few years, even though I had the intention of uploading photos & writing more. I think being ill has caused me to get OUT of the house whenever I can. Which I have. Just afraid I'll miss something awesome. Of course the good 'ol pandemic didn't help. Depression, Anxiety about dying... Friends gone in 10 days. Dead. Gone. Because I live fairly rural, I CAN get out to shoot often, and our state hardly had any restrictions, so I did just that. I call it "actively dying", and before you say-"aw, hell we're all gonna go"... I know that. But there's something about it rushing up on you that kinda keeps you on pins & needles. Is it today? Is that heartburn or is this it? Sleeping with machines, Grabbing the inhaler when you're out of breath, Panicking because there's only 2 puffs left. It's harder than I thought it would be. I have great kids, and I'm happy & sad to be with
Life is Different...
So many changes...
I left my home in the mountains due to needing to be near medical care.
I have the "unseen illness" of inflammatory arthritis.
Inflammation is in my eyes, lungs, and on my skin.
It seems that my body has objected to 3 of my major organs, and the likelihood of it objecting to more is inevitable.
This, combined with arthritis and severe asthma factored into my decision to move.
I'm refusing most conventional treatment, which includes drugs called "biologics". These drugs remove the immune system in order to
"re-start" it in hopes that it will restart normally.
The side-effects are bad, and can be catastrophic.
For
Drifting Away...
I hit a physical peak early in 2016 & it's been downhill since.
A form of glaucoma in the summer of 2016-"uveitis" or pressure/inflammation in the eye rendered me effectively blind for 4 months. Got it resolved in the fall, but have to use eye drops for life.
This incident among other symptoms led to a rheumatologist who was baffled until the eye specialist diagnosed my disease.
I was diagnosed with Psoriatic Arthritis, an immune disorder.
Inflammation is attacking my organs. Skin, eyes & lungs so far. My lungs are at 30% capacity, breathing is at a premium. Kind of like super asthma. I use a nebulizer & inhalers to breathe
Still In~n~Out
It's been a year since my last journal entry...
I struggled
with life,
with work,
with my own mind...
I feel as though I'm ahead of the game, and have reached a point in my life where I'm comfy with me.
mostly.
Worked on my photography,
learned to do graphics,
hunted & missed,
fished a lot,
hiked a lot,
worked out a lot....
Spent time with my grandkids,
time with my grown kids,
bought a Jeep,
cried myself to sleep,
and
learned to talk to God,
you know...
the Creator of all things.
This is the first time in my entire life
that I have been alone.
No man
no parents
no kids,
just me.
I left home at 18 with a man tha
© 2013 - 2024 melly4260
Comments13
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Goodness, what a lovely surprise to see my work featured Love is wonderful, so happy for you Looked at those scooters and thought perhaps I could manage one(dream we never get snow) and since I cannot even ride a bike there is no hope